I just do the best I can

I am afraid of flying on airplanes. When I fly, I have anxiety attacks, which involve increased production of brain chemicals that induce sweating hands, increased heart rate, difficulty breathing and irrational panic. Sometimes, it sucks to be me. It is also not easy to be WITH me during these attacks. Most of the time, this duty falls to Kev, who, to his credit, does his very best to help me through and calm me down. Last year, I decided to try Xanax to get me (and Kev!)through these flights. I take two before getting on the plane. It definitely helps. I still get scared, but the physical symptoms are significantly smaller and the drugs usually knock me out so I can sleep through a lot of the flight. The xanax, however, does nothing to help me with the pre-flying anxiety and stress and sleeplessness.

In two days, I am supposed to be flying to Miami. There are thunderstorms predicted, and Hurricane Jeanne will be pretty close to the Florida coast by then. I am trying not to freak out, but I am kind of freaking out. Many well-meaning people will tell me it will be fine, flying is safe, the plane will fly around the storms, etc, but until those people have a crazy diblitating irrational fear, they won't understand that those well-meaning words don't help much, and often make things worse, as they make me feel like more of a freak for being unable to get over it. I am doing the best I can. At least I DO fly. I don't let my fear completely stop me from doing one of my favorite things, which is travelling. Believe me, I'd change if I could.

One time I made fun of my friend Rob for being afraid of snakes. I am very very sorry for that.

Anyway, I try to be a good person, and try to be unselfish and appreciate what I have and all. But right now, I am deeply disappointed that many of the things I was looking forward to on my cruise are most likely not going to happen due to all these hurricanes. I'm sure the cruise people will do their best to make it up to us, and maybe it will be better than I think, but I can't help but be upset about the situation. I hope that doesn't make me a bad person. It certainly doesn't mean I have no sympathy for hurricane victims. In an attempt to have a better attitude, here are some good things about the cruise: I will not have to drive my car, cook, or breathe pollution for a week. I will be at sea, which I love. I can read some books. I will get to see my aunts and cousins. My mom will be getting a break. They have yoga and ice skating. There could be sea-birds to see. I can pretend to be a Pirate on Talk Like A Pirate Day.

I hope everyone still likes me anyway, even though I am kind of a mess.