Living Will

Due to recent events, my mom has asked me to put something in writing regarding my wishes should I become disabled and unable to speak for myself. I don't know if a blog is considered a legal document, but it's the best I can do since I can't afford ridiculous lawyers' fees. So all of you readers are my witnesses. Here goes:

First of all DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES starve me to death.

If I am in a coma, check for brain activity. Get at least 3 opinions. If there is no brain activity, for let's say 3 years, then remove me from machines that are keeping my organs going, but DO NOT REMOVE FEEDING TUBES! If keeping me going for 3 years is going to cost more than insurance will pay, then Kev and my parents are to sit down and come to an agreement in writing that everyone can live with (except me..haha). NO FIGHTING. If an agreement can't be reached, you guys will just have to fork out the dough for the three years.

If I have brain activity, but am not consious, try the following things to get me up and running again: bring in a puppy, make the room smell like coffee, warm chocolate chip cookies, or freshly baked bread, get Kev in there with his guitar to play some good songs, show DVDs of King of the Hill, Scientific American Frontiers (no submarine or disaster episodes please), Steve Martin movies, or Winged Migration, tell me about the trips to Alaska and the Galapagos Islands that I will get to go on when I wake up, and other things known to stimulate me. Let me listen to NPR on weekdays from 10am to 1pm. If you are desparate and have extra cash, see if you can get Elvis Costello in there to sing. That'll probably work.

If I have brain activity, and am concious, get a team of rehab professionals in there to work with me. I want PT-OT-SLP, and make sure they are good people who like their jobs and are not experiencing burn-out. Tell them I will respond to the above list of things I find stimulating.

While I am in the hospital, I want to be wearing house-pants and one of Kev's Calvin Klein white t-shirts. No hospital gowns, and PLEASE no frumpy quilted zip-up old lady house-coats. Make sure there is plenty of lip-balm handy, and hand lotion (fragrance-free!). I want a good pillow, preferably the ones they use in the staterooms on Royal Caribbean ships. Put me by a window, and put bird feeders where I can see them. Do not let anyone try to make me eat anything with mustard, mayo, onions, cabbage, veal, squid, etc. Kev knows what I like to eat, and more importantly, what I don't like. PLEASE DO NOT LET MY FEET GET COLD!

If I can't be saved, please bury me in the house-pants/t-shirt outfit. And clean white cotton ankle socks. No shoes. Put some pictures of people and dogs and cats I like in there with me. And if there is any way you can afford to keep me above-ground, please do.

Well, that's all I can think of for now. If I need to change anything, I will add amendments or something later. Thanks for being witnesses!